Woman drives 3 hours to visit new parent friend, then learns what they did with the nanny cam footage that she didn't even know was being recorded: 'They had apparently watched footage from their nanny cam from that visit months ago and had timed me'

The woman drove 3 hours to visit this friend, a new parent whom she had not seen for 8 months. She felt she had been genuine and made an effort during the visit.

I drove three hours to visit this friend and their child after not seeing them for about eight months. During that visit, I made a genuine effort to connect with them and their little one. I asked how they were doing, asked about their daughter, and talked with them for hours about how they were balancing work and parenthood. 

It was only after, in a disagreement, that the friend brought up that thay had reviewed nanny cam footage, timing the friend during their visit.

I held their child, laughed with my husband when he was awkwardly figuring out how to hold her, and even danced around trying to keep her entertained during tummy time.
However, during a recent disagreement, my friend brought up that they had apparently watched footage from their nanny cam from that visit months ago and had timed me. 

They claimed she had been a bad friend, spending too much time talking more about herself during the visit.

They used what they observed and said I’m a bad friend because I talk about my own work and life (which they prompted), rather than focusing on them and their child. When this conversation about life and work occurred was when their child was taking a nap.

The woman felt that she had put in considerable effort during this visit, which was evidenced by going out of her way to drive 3 hours there.

I understand that becoming a parent changes your life and they have been very stressed lately. I genuinely want to know how my friend is doing, how their daughter is growing, and how they’re adjusting to parenthood. I demonstrated that by driving three hours to see them and spending hours asking questions and engaging with them.

But she felt that she should be able to share about herself, mutually, without being judged.

But I didn’t know that them asking me about my life, job, and marriage was unwanted even though they asked. These things are things I want to share with my friends. If someone asks me about those things I answer. I thought friendship was supposed to involve mutual conversation, where both people get to share what’s happening in their lives.

The fact that she had been recorded and reviewed left her feeling unsettled.

What really bothers me is the nanny cam situation. I understand that nanny cams exist for children's safety, and I have absolutely no issue with a parent wanting to keep their child safe in their own home. That’s their right… What makes me uncomfortable is the idea that footage from a visit months ago was reviewed and timed. I had no idea I was apparently being evaluated during what I thought was a normal, genuine visit with someone I cared about.

And even uncomfortable about going back there.

Now I feel uncomfortable even thinking about setting foot in their home again. I feel like I would have to monitor every word I say, count how many minutes I spend talking about their child versus myself, and constantly prove that I care enough. I don’t want to feel like I’m walking on eggshells in a friendship.

Above all else, she had hurt feelings about the visit.

I’m also hurt because I made a significant effort to visit them after eight months apart, and instead of feeling like that effort was appreciated, I’m finding out that my conversation was apparently being scrutinized behind the scenes.

Though she acknowledges that she knows she is far from perfect.

I’m not saying I’m a perfect friend. I’m open to hearing that I could do more or that my friend feels neglected. If they had told me they needed more support, more questions about their daughter, or more opportunities to talk about parenthood, I would have been willing to have that conversation.

Young Adult Relationships

When you’re in university, and in your early 20s you have more friends and acquaintances who are friends of your friends that you know than you know what to do with. 

These relationships may come and go, but there is almost an ease with which friendships form and how they are maintained and managed. You see each other because you happen to be in the same places and are going through the same stages in life. You probably live within walking distance, and all of these things result in having a lot going on that is in common. Nobody needs to start a group chat to see whether or not everyone has free time to get coffee for an hour 3 months from now. You're probably going to see these people 5 times over the next week.

Conversely, adult relationships past the age of 28 or so are like a trip to the dentist's office; you need to schedule the next visit out 3 to 6 months and sometimes even a year in advance if there's any hope of them happening. Even then, there are going to be a lot of cancellations at the last minute. Even if you don't know what is going ot be happening at that point in time, you just have to pencil it in and hope for the best.

But when you're in your early 20s, there are all these new places and new experiences you’re encountering on a daily basis. There’s always someone around, and spending time together is built into whatever else you’re doing. And because everyone has so many friends and knows so many people, there's this snowball effect of meeting new people and making new friends that is happening constantly. 

Looking back, it was all a little exhausting. Sometimes dramatic. But always fresh and new.

Getting Older

There’s an old saying that the last time you see a lot of your friends is at your wedding. (A wedding, in this economy?) While with most people getting married later, or not having a formal event when they do, this isn't necessarily the case, I think that what this saying really represents is the fact that weddings used to mark the ending point of where our lives followed the same path as a lot of your wider friend group, and where you shared common lives, goals, and interests.

As you get older, more focused on your career, with more demands on your time, those opportunities for meeting with friends and friends of friends stop presenting themselves quite so conveniently. Seeing someone requires a conscious decision that often takes you away from other obligations. Time and energy become precious resources. And the thing is, this is happening to everyone. And even when you do have some free time, you'd pay money to keep it and just be left alone. Getting free time where you and your friends both feel like syncing up becomes harder and harder.

So this massive culling of relationships happens. Sometimes there’s a falling-out, but more often friendships stop receiving enough attention to keep going. It might not even be intentional or anything. It’s just that suddenly weeks and months go by and you realize that you haven’t even thought to check in on so-and-so… and they haven’t either. 

Neither of you necessarily did anything wrong. You both just kept meaning to send that message and never quite getting to it.

And that snowball of new people and experiences that was happening before? Yeah, now that's working against you. With each dropped friendship, 5 acquaintances go with it. And suddenly, one day we're in our 30s looking around wondering what happened and where everyone went.

The Demands Increase

Careers, home maintenance, then kids. They eat all of your time. Your energy too, which you seem to have less of. Whereas you might have spent evenings with friends, you now spend them watching the kids, keeping up with admin and maintenance, and doing lots of laundry.

Then when members of the friend group start moving, long distance just makes things harder. That physical distance creates emotional distance. It further highlights more and more the fact that you're just in different stages of life. All but the closest of friends will start dropping off at this point.

But when you do catch up, at least with those close friends you’ll have lifelong, it’s almost like no time has passed at all. You can pick up right where you all left off, maybe in different environments than you used to. But things just feel easy. You might be holding a baby instead of your cold beverage of choice, but things just feel seamless. 

Unless, of course, they don't.

Quality vs Quantity

But the quality of that limited time is so much more important. Seeing people takes so much effort that it needs to feel mutually beneficial once that date, scheduled 3 months out, actually lands. 

If things don’t go well and you find that space has grown between you… Well, you might just find that that’s the last time you see them. There might never be a formal decision or discussion. It's just that you remember how the last catch-up felt every time you think of picking up the phone to send a “What's up?” message.

That’s about where this friendship seems to have landed, and the woman has been given a good reason to hesitate before arranging another visit. After driving three hours to catch up with a friend and their child, she later learned that her friend had reviewed nanny cam footage and timed their conversation together, giving her a review of how they thought she had done.

This presented a major problem for her, as she felt judged and uncomfortable with going back to the friend's home, leaving the future of the friendship in jeopardy. 

So what do you think? With this in mind, what should the woman do in this situation? I think it's probably time that she hangs this relationship out to dry. But this is what readers had to say in the responses.